| 1. In the Chamber of The Duchesse.The Duchesse | | | | that interest varlots like us? She will have neither |
| Frantouse mooned over her fate. Rapunzel had her | | | | shekels nor cluckats. --Ah, Friendel, you forget that she |
| Rumpelstiltskin, Juliet had Romeo, Don Quixote had his | | | | has the ear of the Duchesse! --I remember that it is |
| Rocinante, but whom had the Duchesse? Duke | | | | not a very big ear, Keerah, and almost all gristle. --That |
| Snoutfare was whom, and he was wont to starve her | | | | is indubitable. Perhaps we should kidnap the whole |
| or lock her in her chamber. She was so young and so | | | | chicken, dear Friendel. --Chicken?5. Along a Wooded |
| beautiful. It was too, too bitter. Snortafeu, her | | | | Path.--Well looky here, I do believe I have the pleasure |
| nose-ferret, too betrayed her with the typical little black | | | | of crossing paths with the ever lovely Nam Nam |
| eyes and buttery nose of a female nose-ferret. The | | | | Chattering, handmaiden to the Duchesse Frantouse. |
| Duchesse could rely on only one person; her dear | | | | How fares the great, if small, Lady kept in her keep? |
| young nursemaid and confidante Nam Nam Chattering. | | | | --Uh oh varlots mind your caution you two remember |
| Sad to say, Nam Nam had problems of her own. Nam | | | | that I have a quite large brother from Fleghm who can |
| Nam Chattering always spoke in a voice barely | | | | knock you all to pieces. --Ah, yes, the very large |
| audible, her tiny cup-shaped hand held frozen in front | | | | brother. Surely you are thinking of Chelm. I heard |
| of her mouth, eyes darting about. --Milady I desperately | | | | through eavesdropping on the witches that he is full of |
| need 600 cluckats because it's ever so important that I | | | | nubbins. --Not today not today I'm late I'm late out of |
| get them right now so as to pay my debt to Lacruda | | | | my way. With little further conversation the vandals |
| the Lowly Liegelord of Chelm or all is lost. --Chelm? | | | | swamped Nam Nam with a gunny sack and trundled |
| You mean Fleghm of course. Never fear Nam Nam, I | | | | her off to their kidnapping cottage in the French foreign |
| shall will it to you. Now let me tell you my problems. | | | | region where she would be free to scream, though |
| --But Madame I need it now I cannot wait until you die | | | | that would have surprised even her.6. In the Chamber |
| it is a matter of utmost oh-my-goodness. --Oh | | | | of The Duchesse Again.--Mung, Shung and Shinny! |
| Chatters, I don't have to die to will something to you. | | | | Where is that nattering Nam Nam. Out jabbering |
| The cluckats are yours. Get them from Shinglevan. | | | | somewhere, no doubt. Hark! What knight on yonder |
| Now, I'm having this fret about... --Pardon Mum if I | | | | donkey looms. Ho, he knocks upon my portcullis. He |
| schreck you say that Shinglevan will stake me? --Here, | | | | enters, he sees steps, he goes up, he approaches |
| you shall give this bit of garlic toast to him, he will obey. | | | | mine own cold cold hearth. Tap. --Milady, forsooth |
| --I will if you say to but I don't think he shall do it. -- | | | | methinks I come a-bearing ill woe betides. --News? |
| Shush, if you're not going to listen to my woes, get tea. | | | | --Nam Nam Chattering is carried away. --Yes, she can |
| --Hmm tea dumb tea if you ask me. --Off with your | | | | be enthusiastic, can't she? --What I mean is that |
| headstrong ways. Get! Warmunuf Potheen the Tea | | | | abductors have snatched her. --Oh my, can't have |
| Officer silently slithered in and served. The Duchesse | | | | that. What shall I do, what shall I do? --I fear they have |
| sipped in sad solemnity. Countess Buttery-nose | | | | vulgar intentions Milady. They have illustrated their |
| Snortafeu the ferret snuffled around under the dust | | | | demands by sending along a book of kills they might |
| ruffles and settled in on a warm slipper and halfway | | | | employ if they don't get their way. --Frogs in the |
| closed her beady eyes.2. At the Treasury.Nam Nam | | | | crabgrass! What do they want? --You. --Me? |
| Chattering adjusted her lace cap, whimpered up to | | | | --Actually, they want the dukedom. They think that to |
| face Shinglevan with the bit of garlic toast in her | | | | rescue Nam Nam, you will give yourself up to them, |
| cupped hand, left shoulder hunched, and broke the | | | | then they will be able to hold up Duke Snoutfare who |
| news about the money to him. --Oh Cushinglee Saints | | | | will give them the fief. --Ha! --Precisely. The no bull |
| Peter and Christopher, Chattering, how did you | | | | duke would not part with a comb much less the |
| manage to build up such an obligation? And, by the | | | | clippings from his fingernails or a castle and grounds. |
| way, if you can spare a few moments, I have a | | | | They have overstepped. --You go tell them to let Nam |
| number of complaints I would like to tell you about. | | | | Nam loose and I will try to persuade the duke to |
| Perhaps you can speak with the Duchesse. --No time | | | | overlook their stepoverage. --I fanfare forth.7. In the |
| now Sir I couldn't help it Sir it's me brother's nubbins you | | | | Duke's Offices.Duke Snoutfare put one foot upon the |
| see. --Oh Pitiful Martyrs, what's nubbins to do with it? | | | | leathern ottoman, then the other foot up and first foot |
| --Well you see Sir them nubbins keeps comin' back | | | | down. He did this over and over as was his way |
| and he has to go to the witches to get 'em taken off | | | | when pondering serious affairs. --So, Frantouse, my |
| and them nubbins they won't hardly leave and I has to | | | | unnecessary but nearby love, it appears that you have |
| pay them witches for every time we go and we | | | | lost what sense you once had. I do not fathom the |
| couldn't pay the last six times and so I had to borrow | | | | depth of your argument. I say knots to them. Nam |
| from Lacruda the Lowly Liegelord of Fleghm that's | | | | Nam is not even numnum, what do I care? --It is true |
| what it is you see Sir. --Oh Rusty Forks and Spoons, | | | | that you have never been a kind person, nor a |
| whatever it is I suppose that it is none of my business. | | | | generous one, nor a nice one. Best I stop there. I |
| You must be thinking of Chelm my dear. Since you | | | | appeal then to your greed, avarice, venality and torpor. |
| have brought the Sacred Garlic Toast, I am compelled | | | | These bold varlots could, after all, be squashed into |
| to concede to you the shekels. Just a few minutes of | | | | service as tax collectors and we could snatch back |
| your time, I have only twelve worries to impart. --I'll be | | | | Nam Nam. What say? --The customary term is |
| needing it in cluckats if it's all the same to you Sir. | | | | 'pressed into service,' but I rather like 'squashed' now |
| Shinglevan curled a lip and handed over the cash. Nam | | | | that you put it that way. Send for the pressers.8. At |
| Nam adjusted her lace cap and tiptoed off to pay up.3. | | | | the Kidnappery.--I do believe I have the pleasure of |
| At the Brewery.Nam Nam Chattering picked a piece | | | | espying a messenger, Friendel. No, it's a gang of |
| of mistletoe as she wended through the Witchforest. | | | | pressers. --Ill is boding again, Keerah, let us evacuate |
| Soon enough she found the keeper of the cauldron | | | | the premises. --Wait, they are sporting the green |
| and got permission to see Witch One. --Oh Witch One | | | | raiment of friendliness. --Oh yeah, friendliness, green |
| I have the cluckats which I owe to Lacruda the Lowly | | | | raiment, I depart hencewith. --Too late now, they're |
| Liegelord of Chelm but I am afraid of him do you | | | | here. --We bring you greetings from Duke Snoutfare |
| suppose you could pass them on to him if it doesn't | | | | and an offer. You can accept being pressed into |
| inconvenience your witching if it please your | | | | service as tax collectors, or we will squash you. Do |
| witchness? --Ah, the little nubbins girl! Thanks, I'll take | | | | you have a preference? What say you? --Pressed! |
| these coins and return them to Lacruda the Lowly | | | | Pressed! --You are so impressed.9. In the Chamber of |
| where they belong. He lives in Fleghm, by the way. | | | | The Duchesse Once More.--So Nam Nam, pretty neat |
| How's brother Skinrah today? --Oh just fine Witch | | | | rescue eh? Nam Nam Chattering adjusted her lace |
| One thank you I'll be off now. --I was hoping you would | | | | cap, placed her tiny cup-shaped hand in front of her |
| stay for a bit of tea. Witch Two is stewing a brew | | | | mouth, and spoke in a barely audible voice. --Well all I |
| right now, and there are some matters that have been | | | | can say is that you could have at least had them untie |
| upsetting me lately regarding the treatment of witches | | | | me before carrying me back wholesale by them |
| in this Dukery and I would like to have you speak to | | | | smelly pressers and I don't never want to see that |
| your mistress about them. --Best I be gettin' back as | | | | forest no more and if nubbins comes back I don't care |
| the Duchesse you know is a fusspot you knew that | | | | I won't do it and that goes for your old nose-ferret too. |
| about her didn't you know it? --Yes Nam Nam, away | | | | Snortafeu nuzzled the slipper further underneath the |
| you go then. Witch One waved goodbye first.4. Behind | | | | dust-ruffles, munched on a fly, tilted her head slightly |
| a Bush.--Well, well, well, I do believe I have the pleasure | | | | toward the Northwest and sighed into a light snore.The |
| of espying Nam Nam Chattering walking alone in this | | | | EndJack Wilson is a writer and artist practicing in Los |
| forbidding forest. --Yep, that's who it is. Why should | | | | Angeles and Phoenix. |